How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
