I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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