never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize