listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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