I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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