Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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