I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
