My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize