Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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