My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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