also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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