M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize