You're my little dorito
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
