i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
A+ Viking dick
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
