I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
