Ketchup is God's man juice
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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