i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
