I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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