I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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