You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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