He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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