So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
