you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
