why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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