new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
