I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
