just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
