whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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