I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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