So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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