I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
