happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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