my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
