Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize