i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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