I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
