What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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