LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
