if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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