You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
