Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
