My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I still have a little drunk in my system
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
