i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
