Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
