Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
