I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
