I think I won the penis lottery.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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