I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
4 words: hood of his car
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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