My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
