I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
