Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
