i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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