you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
