She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
