I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
