he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
