What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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