So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
