Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
