i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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