so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
